Surfing the Unknown

I don’t know what I am meant to do in my life, but what I do know is that I don’t want to be in the comfort zone for all my life. Even my boss at the school I work at told me that he sees bigger things for me, and I have read several books that have warned against playing too small. I guess some of the things that holds me back is this lack of faith in myself and the vibes I pull from the people around me.  Like Jay Shetty said in a video interview, “I am what I think you think I am.” I am weak, at least those are the feelings that come to my mind when I see myself in motion at this moment. Yes, I have been through some tough battles, but it was never necessary. I don’t feel right giving me sympathy points for making mistakes that were not calculated.

I have been told I act like a baby at times. That my behavior can sometimes come off as bitch like. I have been told I have changed and that I am unrecognizable. I have been told that I am promiscuous. I hurt people without understanding the impact my behavior might have on them. You see all these things float in and around my head and I ask myself, why do I deserve to be successful. Some days I feel like I am reaching the light at the end of the tunnel, but then I am scared too because like Robert H. Schuller said the more successful you become the more problems that one will encounter. I don’t want problems; I am tired of problems. I feel restless. My soul feels drained from me at times. I even feel somewhat tortured by my own makings and it’s such an icky sticky feeling. I am me and no matter how much I want to escape that, I can’t. Well, that sucks!

That brings me to right now. I feel challenged to look for the alternatives. A demand put on me to seek outside my comfort zone. That is why I have committed to trying to get the second job to work with kids at their homes. It’s the same kind of job I already do, but in a different setting that is less intense. The only thing that scares me here is being in an environment that isn’t known to me. Yay for me! I am facing one fear! As I continue making decisions, I am sure more weird choices that I am not going to be happy about in the moment are going to pop up.

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