Becoming a mother

First of all, I would like to wish you all Happy Holidays! Today’s post is going to be a bit intense and sometimes super heavy, but I feel like there is a lot to unravel. On February 16, 2022 my body managed to bring the most beautiful little girl into this world without an epidural! Her name is Isabelle! It’s difficult to believe that she is already approaching one year of breath and experience of life! Throughout this year I have had so many fluctuating moments of happiness and sorrow. I always wanted to be a mother but it is definitely not what I expected it to be.

A baby is supposed to strengthen bonds, not tear them apart. That was literally my expectation. In my mind I am already the most sensitive person who dwells too much on emotion and feeling. Having Isabelle has intensfied that even more to the point where I can’t ignore things anymore. If I have an issue I speak my mind. Unfortunately, I don’t believe I have been as respectful about it, but I don’t regret it anymore like I used to. Do I like that I have hurt people doing this ? Of course not, but I have realized how stupid it is to stay with people out of obligation and from a people pleasing tendency. Unfortunately, this has caused my former fiance and I to separate due to my inability to see past moments that have triggered me. I have learned so much about myself that I won’t tolerate anymore.

1.) Talking over me – this causes me to reflect back this same sort of energy and I don’t like that

2.) Rolling eyes while talking

3.) sarcasm

4.) impatience

5.) no moral code

6.) jugdemental

7.) easily angered- I spent 7 years with this sort of energy and it was a shadow within myself and that’s the side that got mirrored outward. I need people that tap into the good parts of me!

I wanna expand for a second on this note: When you surround yourself with negative energy and you perceive it as negative that is already a warning sign to step back. The biggest mistake I made was fantasizing and romanticizing that I can be the life altering change someone needs to be happy. I always walked around believing that maybe if I cooked for them, they would be happy with me. Maybe if I cleaned their backyard they would like me. Maybe if I had a baby with him he will fall in love with me a different way. Maybe if I let them see the baby alone they would be happy. The truth is your aim in relationships shouldn’t be about overextending yourself to satisfy the needs of others. Americans love to celebrate the notion of HARDWORK, but I think life is supposed to flow like water and if things seem like hard work than maybe their are some kinks that are blocking the flow of things. Some of those kinks are irreparable and that is okay! All that means is that you carve out another way for the water of life to flow so that it may be aligned with you. I think it’s bad advice by many of the older generations to continue working through a relationship that doesn’t consist of relating, but only shows obvious signs of disconnect. In other words, I believe there should be a time limit to how long you give a relationship the attention it deserves before you start to feel depressed about the inability to relate. Otherwise , we get into these situational relationships that we are in because of kids, a house, a business, or maybe you just become comfortable with each other and are unwilling to start over. This just seems irrational to me . The point of a relationship is to coexist and not to control one another.

The main point that I wanna drive home is that motherhood has made me feel more empowered to be the best version of myself and to not be complacent. I wanna be the role model for my daughter with the good and the bad parts of me. I am not perfect and I hope that when she disagrees with me on something that she can talk it out with me.


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