What have you been waiting for? Permission? There are tons of things that I only wish I had, but I wonder, how soon it would be before I got bored? The problem is that people look at the glamorous pictures and videos of people’s lives and want that lifestyle, but is that euphoria sustainable? There are many famous people who reach the top and yet still fall into deep bouts of depression. I do not necessarily think it’s because they aren’t grateful for the fame and success they have achieved, it’s just that they hit that moment when they realized it’s not the answer. Also, let’s not forget all the moments that were hard work and the things that on the outside everyone would want to try at all costs to avoid. For example, rejection or having to work 2 jobs just to pay for the bills. Nonetheless, you need to stop being a tourist and figure out the things you are willing to do to get to where you want to go.
I am interested in many things but committed to few. I feel guilty for having an enthusiasm for youtubers who are creating and yet I have no desire or energy to partake. I will find a million excuses for why I haven’t done anything. I need to be willing to do things today so that I can have the prosperity I am so eager for. This blog is a commitment I have to myself to continually craft on my writing in expressing my ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. It has also opened ways for me to connect with other bloggers and see how incredibly passionate and vulnerable they are in sharing their writing with the world also! I feel blessed to have this platform available to me.
Commitment in the things that intrigue me is the best thing I can do for self exploration. Amazon is not in my comfort zone; it will be a job I have no experience in and yet I need to do it. I have been writing in my journals that I want to escape fear and stop allowing it to dictate so much of my self-worth. I accept fear as part of my awareness that is trying to keep me safe. I believe that we live in a world that is meant to be decoded. In other words, everything is symbolic. The decision of working at Amazon is symbolic to me not willing to be complacent, not willing to play small in this little box I have created for myself.
Interest have a place in our lives, it’s what ignites a fire in our hearts. However, if we continue to pretend that we don’t have the capacity to implement and experiment with our interest we will never truly be happy and never truly be able to expand our lives for the better. Many people see life as a game, a roller coaster, I see life as a giant science experiment. This goes back again to the importance of expanding the metaphors we use in our lives. Life is like a science experiment in the sense that in our early stages of life say from the time we become aware to the end of adolescence we are hypothesizing. If you think about it, these are the years where we think we know everything there is to know. We will whine endlessly to parents about how different time are and how they just do not understand where we are coming from. This is also the point where we start collecting data and finding out where we fit into this seemingly huge and yet complexly small world we live in. We want to go to birthday parties, sleep overs, wear makeup, drive a car, and the list goes on.
In middle school I was fine not having a boyfriend even though everyone else around me had one. The infection of riding the bandwagon didn’t get to me until the end of freshmen year. Some boys liked me, but I didn’t really like them, I was more into the bad boy types. Unfortunately, I led the boys who liked me on and ended up feeling worthless for hurting their feelings and compromising the nice girl in me. The truth is I guess I kind of got an adrenaline rush chasing what I wasn’t and what I couldn’t have. This data showed me how truly desperate my actions were. The beginning of being an adult technically starts at 18, it isn’t until now, at 25 years old, when I feel like I am finally in the stage of analyzing my data with clarity. I forgot to mention that my hypothesis was a YOLO mentality. I need to say that this is seriously the most irritating motto ever created, but it is so applicable to how I was living my day to day life as an adolescent. I was allowing other people dictate how I should be rather than how I actually was. It wasn’t that they said anything, it was that certain look in their eyes that said, “oh my gosh she is lame”. It was me overhearing them talk about the way I was dressed and how I looked like a hoe. It was me thinking “ if the shoe fits.” My behavior at that point was pretty hoeish so me being brutally honest with myself I beat myself up a lot internally for acting so reckless and in so doing I perpetuated the very thing I was trying to escape. I guess that’s why they say your reputation is something you can never get back, like you can never redo a first impression.
In analyzing the results that I have gotten from all my experimentation I now feel like I have what I need to draw conclusions into what I can fix for the next quarter of my life. Those things consist of committing and focusing on the things that are going to progress me in constructive and responsible ways. It involves me responding to occurrences rather than reacting. The requirement is that I stay present in all that I invest myself into. It is the acknowledgement that no one will give me self-worth it is something only I am responsible for. I take this new perspective and my improved clarifications and invest myself into designing a whole new integrated approach to my science experiment called life.