miscellaneous thoughts

I am thoroughly excited about the kinds of conversations  permeating throughout my life right now. Whether it be in the group meetings I attend, with my parents, or listening to the candidates for the upcoming 2020 election. I feel a sort of vibrancy that is causing me great happiness!

I need to write just for the sake of writing right now. So, the message from a dealership stating that they are going to seek legal council is horrifying for many reasons. I don’t know what I am up against, I mean I think I know, but I am not certain. I am the kind of person that doesn’t like to be the bad guy in a situation. If anything, I am better when I call myself out on the bullshit I have created because I take pride in being self-aware. The biggest fear I have is the lack of money I have and the lack of energy I must put towards this kind of situation.

I am just starting to peek out of the darkness of being involved in a dui accident where I was the stupid person who decided to drive while under the influence. I would not have gotten a rental car from the dealership had my car been working properly. I feel in part to blame because I didn’t do an oil change until 11,000 miles later. I am not happy about the whole year of 2018. I had a lot of conflicts around my emotions and feeling good enough. I turned to drinking because it was the one thing that I felt liberated me from the torment of my thoughts.  My biggest issue is that I get in my own way. I let other people’s actions eat at me. The silliest things eat at me too, like the way someone talks, the way someone eats. I feel crazy at times. I keep hearing that desperate people do desperate things.

Though becoming a parent is one of my greatest dreams, I feel hopeless for it coming true. I know that its possible, but will I be good at it? I have made so many mistakes already that my track record doesn’t appear to be a good resume with regards to being a parent. I do give myself credit for rising up every time, but it almost seems like I am not loving myself enough to the extent that I stop being so gosh darn reckless. I need to rewrite the script to my life. I feel like I am being forced to make better choices, but I must give myself credit to not being tempted into drinking. I couldn’t do it without the help of my supportive yet brutally honest boyfriend. My dad is one of my greatest heroes of all time and he keeps me as positive as possible! He doesn’t judge me, he just tries to protect me from myself! I feel like he knows me better than I know myself sometimes!

“Unhappiness is here for a reason; it is trying to tell us something. It is a sign that who we have been in our lives, is an inadequate container for the energies trying to emerge within us”.  How does this pertain to my circumstances? On one hand I would have to say I am thankful for the unhappiness I have endured as it has been the catalyst to many life lessons I have needed to learn. On the other hand, however, I feel like my intentions have always been aligned in the higher spirits. I have always just wanted to be at peace with myself and I have always just wanted to maintain the very inherent belief that I am in fact good enough. I don’t know why I have allowed such negative energies like this feeling of lack to corrupt my spirit because I do feel like I have always known I am meant for beautiful things. However, if I do not actively embody that notion than I am just fooling myself. In fact, I know that one of my biggest issues has been allowing myself to be quote on quote modernized. I saw myself as weird or unusual for the things that I would think about. As a result, I have a very difficult time making friends. To this day I still feel somewhat hesitant to bother interacting with people for the mere feeling of being rejected. It really isn’t the world’s most beautiful feelings, but nonetheless its all the more encouragement for me to want to be myself.

I believe that spirituality is important for all species of this world and the animals believe it or not rely on us having a higher awareness. It is true that other species do not have the type of consciousness or the same abilities that we are privileged to have, but that does not mean that we get to belittle their presence and treat them as if they are only here to cater to us. I believe that mentality is exactly why we seem to unconsciously or consciously worship the “money makers” of the world. We see them like saints and idolize them into what we would like to one day become. However, I don’t believe that we idolize so much of who they are, but what they have. It’s tempting to want to manifest a fancy house with an elevator inside, it’s tempting to want to be catered to whenever you go to a restaurant not just because you are a customer, but because your quote on quote famous. It feels good to have the ability to do things that only money and power can achieve. I would argue to say that putting your energy and time into those sorts of little-minded expectations will never grant you exclusive access to the pursuit of happiness. I watch a show called impact theory in which many wonderful and brilliant entrepreneurs talk about how they navigated through the adversities of life to create prosperity for themselves. Tom Bileyu is an amazing host and asks very profound and thought-provoking questions. I love the kind of encouragement his show authors in other people who yearn for fulfillment.



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